If you had enough money and didn’t have to work, what kind of lifestyle would you have? I’d live in the country and be a redneck.

Below is an example of my dream home. I’ve learned such homes are constructed in a way that I don’t have to go outside to enjoy the chirping of songbirds or a refreshing breeze.

Another big advantage is parking. I anticipate no problem squeezing in my many rigs.

Running along a quiet country road is what runners dream about. I’d get to do it every single day.

A big plus about the redneck lifestyle is the sense of community. Whenever I organize a barbecue, I’m sure I could count on my pal, Hank, to bring some extra seating.

Drinking beer around a bonfire with my fellow redneck runners would be so fun. Nearly every redneck home comes with plenty of bonfire fuel just outside the door, by the shop.

You don’t need trash cans at get-togethers. When you’re done with your beer, just toss and open another.

Come morning, cleanup is easy. Just rake, and it becomes a shiny pile of landscape art.

Another thing about redneck living is nature is just outside the door. They have trees and animals. Any time I want, I can go down by the river, drink beer and admire the beauty of nature.

The woods behind my house would surely be a great place to shoot varmints for fine, redneck eating. Oh, do I look forward to my dream lifestyle.

Sprint McDowell wants to do a blog post in which he interviews me, and I told him no way. He threatened to do an unauthorized interview. I don’t know how that works, but to make sure I’m accurately portrayed, I agreed.

You may remember Sprint from the previous post, Running Lingo Quiz. He hosts the on-line, real-time, cyber game show Race to Win.

Sprint will be asking his on-line questions from his studio in Los Angeles, and I’ll reply from my home here in Spokane. Screen shots are added as the interview progresses.

Jim: “Sprint, I want a clean, friendly interview. No twisting of facts or manufactured controversies.”

Sprint: “Listen, I dictate the terms. Those evasive, roundabout, circular replies that you’re famous for – forget it.”

Jim: “Sure, Sprint. Sorry.”

Sprint: “Why are you so dumb?”

Jim: “I’m not dumb.”

Sprint: “Wrong! Didn’t you post a couple inappropriate photos on this blog that revealed too much?

Jim: “I’ve done many posts and photos, so I’ll have to form a committee to look into that.”

Sprint: “This blog is a one-man operation, Jim. Answer the question!”

Jim: “Yes, but I wish I had a collaborator. Two heads can be better than one.”

Sprint: “What did I say about evasive answers?”

Jim: “Something about roundabouts and circular saws?”

Sprint: “I see I’m not getting anywhere with this, you foolish man. Next, a simple question for a simple mind. Who takes your photos?”

Jim: “Almost always me.”

Sprint: “How can you take photos while being in them?”

Jim: “I use the timer on my camera. Sometimes I have to take a lot of shots, especially on action photos to get a usable one.”

Sprint: “Look at me, not at the ceiling, Jim. Who plays Ruby Redpepper, and is the picture below photoshopped?”Jim: “My daughter Tricia is Ruby Redpepper. She really did get on that plane. I ask her to be in photos or take photos for blog ideas whenever she visits.”

Sprint: “Does she really own Animal Fulfillment Specialists and hired you to assist her on an outing involving just you two and President Obama?”

Jim: “No, but she’s program director for the President’s Export Council at the Department of Commerce in DC. That’s what made the photos possible. Take a look at this one she once posted on Facebook. I thought her comment, “Creepin’ on the Prez”, was funny.

Sprint: ” Enough, Jim. Do not use my interview to boast about your daughter!”

Jim: “Listen to me, Sprint. My daughter is the second-most wonderful, special and incredibly talented person in the entire world.”

Sprint: “I’ve had enough. This interview is over. Hold on…your daughter is second in the world? Who’s first? Wait…don’t answer that! Jim, do not post that photo!”

Jim: Me!

When you run in a new place or setting, does the novelty add some spark to your running like it does for me?

We’ve had a stretch of warm, sunny weather in Spokane, so I made plans to drive to a new place where I’d never been.

Driving north from Spokane, you see fewer signs of civilization. It’s not long before the road ends. I parked and after a couple miles of running on a trail, it ended too. I was in uncharted territory.

It doesn’t take that long to reach this large, unexplored area, and using a map is no help. They all have a big blank area with the phrase, ‘Yet to be explored or mapped.’

It’s neat having unexplored frontier so close to town. Some people say a remnant population of dinosaurs exist, but I consider it a bunch of hootenanny.

I hadn’t run long before I started hearing an occasional loud roar in the distance. I was startled by a huge, airplane-size, flying creature that crossed my path.

A couple times the sound of a predator and prey engaged in a vicious fight echoed through the valley. Hmmm…….maybe there’s more to this area than I thought.

Twice I came to piles of excrement that were as tall as me. The animal that did it must be huge. Then I came to an unsettling scene. It appeared a solitary hiker had been devoured, and parts of limbs lay scattered about.

Disturbing as it was, I pushed on because I wanted to get in more mileage.

I came to a clearing and I startled a large animal feeding on carrion. It looked like a saber-tooth tiger, an extinct animal. It sprinted to me and attacked.

I desperately fought back with all I had, and for some reason, the creature broke off the attack and ran away.

I was unscathed except one of my fingers really hurt. It wasn’t hard to tell why. The creature had bitten it off.

Lucky for me, I found the bloody, missing digit on the ground. I grabbed it and ran at a really fast pace back to my car. I put my finger in a small box I had in the trunk, hoping doctors could reattach it.

Arriving home, I was too stressed-out to attend to my injury. I put my finger in the frig, fixed a bowl of my favorite comfort food and watched Seinfeld re-runs. 

My visit to the hospital will have to wait until tomorrow.

Last Thursday I checked out this running group I’d heard about. Someone told me it was their first run of the season.

So I get there, and parking’s a hassle. I had to park so far away that I got in major mileage just running from my car to the meeting spot.

Hassle number two – the room is so packed I had to shove, push and throw people aside to get in. It’s a big banquet room, and there are more than 500 people inside.

This is not a running group. It’s aerobic overpopulation.

So, some people get on the stage, and I guess it’s the group’s board and this dude starts talking, and check out the coat he’s wearing. What’s the deal with that? What is our world coming to?

I do the run, and it’s three miles which is okay, but the post-run party – boy are there issues. Look at the line for beer. I expect a short wait at most, not an overnight stay. I paid a guy $10 to be a line placeholder and went for some free cake.

It was pretty nice chowing down cake while checking out the tall lovely standing nearby with her hands on her hips.

My eyes couldn’t get enough, and before I knew it, I’d downed more than a dozen pieces while staring at her.

So here’s another issue – the dude with the crazy coat comes over and gives me the crook eye as if I alone am putting the group’s cake budget into the red.

He hangs around monitoring me, so I decide to check the status of my beer order.

The guy I paid is nowhere to be found. Eventually I find out he got through the line in about two minutes because the servers are really fast, and my beer’s been sitting on a table for over half an hour. This brings me to the next issue.

I take a drink, and it’s warm. How can any respectable business get away with serving warm beer? This running group sucks!

Things eventually got better. I met the DJ, who’s a member of the club, and a pleasant guy to talk to.

He’s the only DJ I know who joins the crowd on the dance floor and grooves to his own music.

In an adjacent room I chatted with this friendly group. I whined and complained about their running club, but they laughed and told me to stop joking around.

I met a couple attractive women who were attending their first run. With club members like this, I’m very motivated to attend future runs.I think with this group I’ve found my ultimate dream come true – flirting with pretty women while gobbling down free cake.

Finally, I admit that I’m not really a first timer. I’ve been going to Flying Irish runs for several years, and I joke when I say the group sucks. It’s a great social event, and I’ve become friends with a lot of wonderful people. I look forward to Thursday evenings.

And because I’m such a super member, in my own mind, I celebrate by attending runs wearing a cape.

What country’s runners have set the most world records in the marathon? The top two have nineteen and eighteen, respectively. The third place country has eight. If you can guess these three countries, you are a true student of marathoning.

I did the two-hour drive to Washington State University in Pullman and got a day pass to the Library of Academic and Scholarly Research. I wanted the most reliable and accurate sources for compiling my list.

Near the end of several hours of researching, I asked a librarian a question. Learning what I was doing, she told me using a computer at home could have given me all the info I needed.

Many times I’ve presented myself awards for outstanding achievement. However, this move was noteworthy for the opposite reason. Since I recognize and promote myself when I do something well, it’s only fair I do the same when I’m not outstanding. I put on a dunce cap and restricted myself to the corner for one hour.

Okay, now the results. Nine countries had a runner set a world record once, so for brevity, I list only countries with multiple world record performances.

*             Men                                      Women                              Combined

• United Kingdom – 12          United States – 12                 United States – 19
• Japan – 7                            Norway – 6                            United Kingdom – 18
• United States – 7                United Kingdom – 6               Japan – 8
• Ethiopia – 5                         West Germany – 5                 Kenya – 7
• Kenya – 4                            France – 3                             Norway – 6
• Australia – 3                        Kenya – 3                               Ethiopia – 5
• Sweden – 2                                  *                                    France – 3

You may wonder why African countries aren’t in the top three since the last six men’s world records have been set by either a Kenyan or Ethiopian runner. This is because their successes occurred in recent years whereas the U.S. and British runners set many of their records in the early days of marathoning.

If you’d like to check out the details, you can read about the marathon world record progression on Wikipedia. As well, an excellent infographic can be found at Runrepeat.com.

With the Super Bowl coming up, the editorial board and staff of I Must Run Everywhere (me), decided to do a post about the close relationship between football and running. To commemorate the big game I carried a football on my run today.The two sports have many interwoven aspects. Football branched off from running as a distinct sport over a hundred years ago, but because of their shared background, many phrases in football have their origins in running. This is easy to see in the below comparisons.

First and 10. / First in the 10K.

His pass try was short by several feet. / He passed several guys with big feet.

First and goal. / First is my goal.

He passed 45 times in the win. / She passed 45 runners to win.

He finished with a quarterback sack at the end. / She finished a quarter mile back of her friend.

I started at running back in the football game. / I started running back and my foot got lame.

If winning $50 sits well with you, answer the following question which has answer clues embedded: Name the major race held in early March in the Snake River Canyon in Eastern Washington which covers 13.1 miles.

My answer, River of Snakes Half of a Marathon was so close, and my disappointment at losing out on $50 is shown in the below photo.

If you guessed Snake River Canyon Half Marathon, you are right. Congratulations! Well-known quiz show host Sprint McDowell is delighted to award your winnings. Just download the app, Cash for Me, tap on the envelope Sprint is holding, and a slot will form on your screen. Your $50 will be dispensedMany Spokane runners make the two-hour drive to Wawawai on the Snake River for this flat, out-and-back race. Click here for race details.

I refuse to participate because of a bad experience I had the one time I entered. I spent a lot of money traveling to Hawaii instead of Wawawai and drove myself crazy looking for the race starting area.

The course record holder is Evan Sims, an acquaintance and member of Spokane running clubs, who ran 1:07:06 in 2012. This is a per mile pace of 5:07. I am sure Phidippides, the originator of the marathon would be delighted knowing what a very fast pace Evan ran.

However, Phidippides would cuss and do body slams in his grave if he knew race organizers regularly cut his race to just half the distance after he paid the ultimate sacrifice completing the first marathon.

Evan, who’s in his 30’s, believes he’s in his peak running years, and it won’t be long before he starts slowing down, so he’s running lots of miles in a try to break the course record. I talked to him last Thursday and he’d already run 90 miles for the week, and he doesn’t take any days off. Evan is shown leading a race in the below photo.

However, all Evan’s work could be for naught if it’s a gusty day. This has happened to him at this race before.

I award gold stars to people who perform random acts of kindness and amazing achievement. After a person has earned 10 stars, they receive a certificate. This accomplishment is so difficult, that only two people (Jill Cameron of Frederick, MD and myself) have ever done it. If Evan achieves his goal, I will do something I’ve never done before – award a certificate even though he’s well short of ten gold stars.

Good luck, Evan. May the above certificate soon be in your hands.

I once was involved in a scheme to provide false information to a large daily newspaper.

It went on for most of a summer, and introducing the doctored facts into the newspaper reportage was quite successful. Not once was I questioned, nor was there any hint of suspicion.

When I was in high school, an all-comers track meet was put on by the Spokane Parks Department every Wednesday evening during the summer. My best friends, Dave and Mike Dixon, often entered with me.

The field of runners was small, and we usually had no trouble winning races. A guy recorded the times and names of the winners, and the next day, the results were printed in the sports section of the Spokane Spokesman-Review.

The first week we did this, I won the mile and said my name was Marty Miler. However, the next day, an editor must have thought it was a misspelling because the name was changed to Marty Miller.

We changed out tactics slightly, and the Dixons and I succeeded in our weekly mischief. We were delighted whenever the goofy, made-up names got into the newspaper.

One week the three of us and another friend formed a mile-relay team. Around this time, the world mile record, held by Jim Ryun of the U.S., was broken by Filbert Bayi of Tanzania. Not long after, John Walker of New Zealand broke it again. Another top runner, Marty Liquori of the U.S., was also running great times.

Only the last names of the winning relay team were printed in the paper, which we won. We used the names of the runners I just mentioned, with different first names to avoid being obvious. Anyone following track and field would have caught on, even with the changed first names, but apparently the result-taker was not a track and field guy.

The next day, the Spokesman-Review reported that the team of Ryun, Liquori, Bayi and Walker won the mile relay.

It’s the only time in Spokane history that four of the fastest milers in the world came to town to make stars of themselves at the parks department all-comers meet.

Maybe it seems a little racy going commando-style, which most people know is not wearing underwear. However, most men’s running shorts are outfitted with an internal “holder” which substitutes for underwear and prevents flopping around.

Though I like to dress warmly during the cold months, on warm summer days, it’s more comfortable to rely on the built-in holder. As well, some running short styles are pretty short, and your underwear could show, which I don’t think is fashionable.

When I was younger, all running shorts were short, so it was common to go commando. However, occasionally some problems came up.

Over time, the elastic bands in the holder become less taut, and on occasion it fails to perform. Since most running shorts are made of thin and light material, when this happens, flopping occurs, and it can be obvious.

This has happened to me a few times, and I’m faced with the difficult choice of putting my hands down my shorts to make an adjustment, or just riding it out.

If I’m in a somewhat secluded area, an adjustment is quick and easy. I’m reluctant to fiddle inside my shorts if I think people can see, so usually I’ll keep running until I come to a good spot.

Someday, however, perhaps it’ll become fashionable to run commando in shorts that don’t have the internal holder. In that case, because of my experience, I won’t have much trouble adapting to this new style.

Drilling equipment, storage tanks and big diesel generators may soon be sitting in my front yard. I explained how I had to cancel this year’s Pine and Basalt Marathon in a recent post, but plans were on for resuming the race next year.

After arriving home from work last week, I found a sign in my yard saying my lot is being rezoned from single-family residential to industrial-unrestricted.

I found out the company petitioning for the change has an office in town, and I went right over. At first, no one would talk to me, but after demanding answers, a guy finally met with me.

He said I own the land, but not the mineral rights. When I pointed out how hard I worked to transform my yard from a lawn to a natural setting with indigenous plants mimicking the Eastern Washington landscape, he said it’s nothing but an empty, weedy field.

My front yard is not an empty, weedy field! I also have a thriving population of indigenous animals that Ruby Redpepper helped me establish.

“Yeah, we noticed the wildlife, he said to me. “We’ll have to get rid of them cuz they’ll be in the way.”

Oh, I got hopping mad. I told him there was no way a fracking operation was going to happen in my front yard. He said a team of lawyers will ensure that it will.

I decided to take this issue to the streets. You’ll find me marching from dawn to dusk in front of my house as I fight this terrible injustice.

(Note: This post is a spoof. No oil-fracking company is planning to drill in my front yard.)