Rip Van Jimkle Wakes Up

I couldn’t understand what was going on when I checked the stats for the post Downside of Being Skinny which I thought I’d put up the day before. The date showed it was over a year old!

Bit by bit, I figured out what happened.

On September 30, 2019, I set out on a 12-mile run in my front yard wilderness area. I remember becoming very tired and sitting down to rest a moment. That moment turned into nearly 15 months.

When I awoke and came into the house, I was flummoxed, dumbfounded and befuddled. Why did I have a long beard, and how did I get so grungy? My living room door cam caught my entrance.

I went straight to my computer because I had wanted to check the stats first thing after my run. That’s when I saw the date and realized 15 months had somehow gone by. I checked my yard cam, and in this magnified image from August, I saw myself asleep in the front yard.

I went to the oldest file still available, last April, and there I am again, sleeping away. Looks like I changed positions from time to time.

There’s enough vegetation that neighbors and passers-by couldn’t make out there was a man sleeping on the ground. This has caused me to refer to myself as Rip Van Jimkle, a take on that famous forest sleepyhead, Rip Van Winkle.

A ravenous hunger struck, and I needed to eat. I fixed a quick meal and my kitchen cam caught me eating straight from the pan.

I’ve decided no more naps while running – I don’t want to go so long without doing a blog post.

I cut off my long beard and grungy locks and noticed how similar they were to moss. I don’t have any moss yet in my wilderness area, so I put them on a few trees. I think they add another level of wild to my wilderness area.

Downside of Being Skinny

I was in a bar in Missoula, Montana three summers ago, and a guy came in, noticed me and came over to tell me I’m a human skeleton.

That’s unusual behavior, and he didn’t appear drunk or condescending. I mentioned that I’ve always been thin, and after a short conversation, I got the impression he was an okay guy, even considering his remark. I figured he saw me at just the right angle, and it must have really struck him.

I could blame my father. When I graduated from high school, I was 6’0″ and about 145 lbs. (183 cm./66 kg.). I weigh only a bit more than that now. When my dad got out of high school, he weighed 155 pounds, but was 6’6″ (198 cm./70 kg.). That made him even skinnier than me. However, my dad is no longer the bean pole he once was.

Years ago, I consulted a trainer, increased my protein intake and lifted weights for a few months in an attempt to become less skinny. However, my body didn’t respond the way I’d hoped. My muscles became well-toned, but there was just a slight increase in bulk. I’ve since told a few people that this weight-lifting program allows me to say I no longer have ribbon arms. I’ve upgraded to pencil arms!

So I’m resigned to being skinny, or as I prefer to say, thin. Some people have told me I should eat more or put some meat on my bones. Even my mother has told me this multiple times, however, I prefer to eat the healthiest diet possible and not focus on filling out.

While it’s not so bad being thin, there are a few detriments.

At one of the running groups I attend, a woman once challenged me to arm wrestle. She is not petite, but nor is she muscular or bulky. I avoided emasculation, but it was a struggle.

Also, my arms are so skinny, there’s not enough room inside them for my blood vessels.

And finally, you’d think only cows would have trouble crossing a cattle grate.

However, I do too. I’m so thin, I fall through the bars and have to wait for someone to come along and rescue me.

Money Trail Leads to Me

When I started I Must Run Everywhere, I made a lucrative arrangement with a local store, Runners Soul. I offered to promote the store by frequently wearing one of their caps.

I wore it often, both in blog posts and when running.

I truly felt like a big shot walking into the bank to deposit my monthly $5 check. How many people do you know get paid to wear a certain brand of clothing? None, I bet.

Several months later, the store told me sales had taken a dive since our arrangement. They asked me to stop wearing the cap. Those guys at Runners Soul are funny.

It wasn’t long before they called again. Sales were still plummeting, and some of my blog photos were not putting the store in a good light. They forwarded a couple examples.

They offered me $500 to stop wearing the cap. I couldn’t tell if they were serious, but when I walked into the bank to deposit that check, I felt very proud I’d increased my value from $5 to $500.

A few months later they said my slow race times and poor finishes were causing business to dry up. They pleaded and begged me to stop wearing the cap, offering $2,500 to put it away for good.

I can’t lie – when I walked into the bank to deposit that $2,500 check, I wasn’t just a big shot, I was an intensely, huge big shot.

Unfortunately, I kept forgetting to not wear my Runners Soul cap. Some photos I used may not have made them happy.

It wasn’t much longer until I saw this article in the news.

Whoops. My bad. Sorry, Runners Soul.

Win With a Wig

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, but last year I resolved to not enter races in 2018.

A year ago I often did not feel well when running, and I’d become slow. Why enter a race when you’re slow?

But toward the end of the year, I entered a couple races. In this photo, I’m at top left, wearing a wig I’ve used many times since buying it in the late ’70s for skits at the summer camp I worked at.

The races raised money for groups in which acquaintances are involved and were costume-themed, so I didn’t race. I merely participated.

I wore a wig for both races, and I cannot stress how important and necessary it is to own wigs, especially if you are a man in your early-60s. It’s a wonderful feeling to toss your head to the side or use your hand like a comb to get your long, beautiful locks out of your face.

I broke my resolution last month when asked to run on a team for the USATF National Club Cross Country Championship that was held in Spokane. For this race, I opted not to wear a wig.

I started feeling better in the autumn, and my running improved to the point I was confident I’d be a benefit for the team and not astound others with a super slow pace.

Unbeknownst to me, most competitors in this race are elite runners. The winner of the men’s open race was Ben Blankenship, who made the final of the 2016 Olympic 1500 meters.

I was in the race for men 60 and over, also elite runners for their age. The winner – a guy same age as me, ran the 8K (5-mile) course at a 5:49 per mile pace. This is not too far off the pace I ran in road races in my 20s.

Myself and teammate Don Driscoll giving the course a look-over. Temps in the mid-20’s. (-4 C)

Don and I again in mid-race.

Here’s another example of the quality competition – a guy a little ahead of me had a bib for the 70-74 age group. In the last mile I pulled even. With a strong finish, I beat him by 4 seconds. My pace was 7:26 per mile. The guy I just managed to beat was 74 years old.

Despite finishing 71st out of 128 runners and beating only two runners my age or younger, the experience made me confident I can do well in local races since I’m at the lower end of my age group. I plan to enter lots of races, dominate my age group and win some intense medal ware. Then I’ll move on to my ultimate goal – winning the hand of a woman.

After amassing a trove of race medals, I’ll wear them in pubic and upon sight, women will be entranced by the glimmering display and enter a state of idolization. From a field of alluring candidates, I’ll choose one to be my new partner.

Runners who squish cats

This post is a collection of facts with no theme. If you don’t like it and send an insulting email, I’ll track you down and make you listen to my daylong lecture on how to be polite.

I bought a pair of Skechers running shoes for the first time. They have memory-foam inserts which are very, very comfortable.

Now that I’ve indulged in such luxury, I might be just a step away from the next level. I’m thinking of switching out my 2-person camping tent for a 36-foot RV. And the front porch steps may soon be covered with a ramp for my new motorized wheelchair.

When I have things to do, I like to bike instead of drive, even when grocery shopping. This may seem mean, but I like to make my cat Gloopy lay on the sidewalk so I can run over and squish her as I leave.

Sometimes I ride with my arms folded, no hands on the handlebars. Once, a pair of very young kids saw me, and I overheard them expressing astonishment at the guy riding with no hands.

I did a one-day road trip in rural Idaho recently with two of my former college roommates. At one stop we happened to be next to a cattle guard. I’ve been wanting to do a short video for this blog in which I fall through the bars because I’m so thin. So I got my camera and asked my former roommate to film me.

It didn’t turn out the way I hoped. I need to set it up better.

Finally, I’ve been having problems with my refrigerator. Like anyone else, I thought the solution was hiring a repairman who would tear into it. Then I realized I’m like the person who thinks surgery is the answer for every medical problem.

Like alternative medical treatment for people, there are alternative repairs for appliances. I used electro-shock rebalancing (unplugging and plugging-in repeatedly), conversational healing (compliments and affirmations), and touch therapy (hugging).

Now my fridge purrs like the day I bought it.

Trash your goals. Here are your new ones.

If you made goals for running in 2018, toss them. If you’re failing miserably or on pace, it doesn’t matter. I have better ones for you.

Nearly all runners fail to make their goals running-based, which means using the letters that compose the word running. Since that’s 7 letters, that means 7 goals. They’re listed below, and I want you to start working on them immediately.

1. Roar 2. Unglued 3. Numbers 4. No way 5. Incredible 6. Never mind 7. Geeky

1 Roar – If you win a race, your age-group or run a good time, celebrate your success by really letting loose.

2 Unglued – If you fall during a race or run, and your running buddies keep going, putting their finish times ahead of your well-being, you’re justified becoming unglued. After your hospital stay, when your eyes land on those running shoes that flashed past as you lay on the ground bleeding, lay into them.

3 Numbers – if you forget to stop your GPS unit and rack up more miles after your run, treat yourself, and make your inflated total the official total.

4 No Way – Your answer when asked to do the relay leg that’s the longest, all uphill, passes through grizzly habitat, and was where last year’s runner was last seen.

5 Incredible – All you need to say when someone asks how you did in a race.

6 Never Mind – Do you need 3 running goals that start with N? No you don’t, so never mind.

7 Geeky – We’re all worried about looking cool when we dress to run. Undo the padlock and let your geekiness stumble out.

Quiz show host accused of burglary

Sprint McDowell is suspected of burglary.

Sprint McDowell hosts Race to Win, an online quiz show for runners.

I carried Sprint’s online game show once in the blog post, Running lingo quiz, and he treated me very rudely in another post, I agree to an interview, and I get grilled. However, time heals and Sprint deserves my support. I did an online interview with Sprint from his Los Angeles studio yesterday. Screen shots are added.

Jim: Sprint, what happened?

Sprint: Management is making things up to get rid of me. They said I stole lunches from the employee break room. I’m very angry.

Jim: Did you steal them?

Sprint: No. I just took a few bites and put them back.

Jim: That’s shabby, Sprint, but it’s certainly not burglary, and it’s not grounds for termination.

Sprint: I’ll say! Management asked last month if I’d consider retiring. I said no way. Now this burglary accusation comes up.

Jim: I also hear they think you’re over the hill.

Sprint: You hit the head of a nail, Jim.

Jim: The phrase is usually put, you hit the nail on the head.

Sprint: Whatever. Management says I make bloopers like that all the time, but they’re wrong. Race to Win is the No 1 quiz show for runners because I’m the greatest host ever.

Jim: Sprint, did you recently message racy photos of yourself to a woman?

Sprint: What? I’m shocked and disgusted! Such an abominable claim has zero merit. In no shapes, forms or waves would I ever do that.

Jim: The phrase goes, in no way, shape or form.

Sprint: I have a phrase for you, Jim – down with gutter mouths! Your accusation sickens me. You have really gone too far this time.

Jim: Isn’t her name Catherine, and she lives in The Philippines?

Sprint: My God! How did you find out?

Jim: This is so sad, Sprint. Why would you do something like that?

Sprint: I was…you know…trying to entice her.

Jim: How’d that work out?

Sprint: She blocked me.

Jim: Okay, Sprint, let’s move on. I want to post a photo of the new host. I’m told it’s a done deal. She’s a talented, engaging personality who’ll make fans rave. And I know her. She and I are both Flying Irish runners here in Spokane. Her name is Becky Alcala.

Sprint: Jim, who’s side are you on?

Jim: Not yours, Sprint. This change should have happened long ago. Becky will raise Race to Win out of the fog and into the stratosphere. I salute her.

Sprint: Waaaaaaaa….waaaaaaaaa.

 

My front yard a federally protected wilderness area?

Being in my front yard is an experience of solitude and beauty that brings a profound appreciation of nature, though my neighbors’ lawn-moving lessens the experience.

Several years ago I eliminated the lawn and put in indigenous plants to mimic an Eastern Washington landscape. I made trails so that running in my yard would be like running in the country which I explained in the post Let’s go for a run in my yard.

 

Because I stick to trails when I run, I’m not able to fully explore my front yard wilderness. Recently I did an all-day, off-trail hike to do just that. I was very excited as I started out.

I discovered some wildflowers I hadn’t noticed before.

I thoroughly explored my wilderness and thanks to a good map, avoided getting lost.

It occurred to me that since my front yard is roadless and so wild, I should have it declared a federally protected wilderness area.

There’s a famous place in Montana called the Bob Marshall Wilderness Area. If my wilderness is able to get federal designation, I’d like it to be called the Jim Johnson Wilderness Area. And as the Bob Marshall Wilderness Area is often called simply, The Bob, I’d like my area to be known as The Jim.

So after my day-long hike and the prospect of a designated wilderness area at my doorstep, I went to bed a tired, but very happy man.

Zzzzzzzzzz…snhhnngggukkkk…zzzzzzzzzz…snhhnngggukkkk.

 

Personal running journal gets publicized

Last week, a running journal was left behind at our running club’s post-run get-together.

I started leafing through it and found a few interesting entries. I’m sure it’s okay to share as long as no one tells the owner about it.

Thanks to me, if you keep a running journal, you know not to leave it unattended.

 

Leg needs repair

I injured myself while running more than two weeks ago. Using the two photos below, you can win a very large cash award bonus by correctly guessing what my injury is.

If you guessed calf muscle tear, you win! Download the app Cash for Me, tap on the envelope in the below photo, and a slot will form on your screen, dispensing your very large cash award.

I’ve become prone to calf muscle tears the past several years. It’s happened a few times, and it’s always in the cold or cool season. I’ve learned I can’t return to running until taking at least three weeks off.

To promote healing, a few times every day I stand on the edge of a step and lower and raise my heel thirty times.

However, not being able to run has disrupted my daily routine and left a big void in my life. I spend a lot of time staring forlornly out the window.

I’m so bored, I nap two or three times a day.

When I’m able to muster enough energy, I get a piece of wood from my woodpile and make toothpicks. My next project is to use my maul to smash rocks over and over until I have sand to spread on my icy sidewalks.

But come evening, my cat Gloopy and I enjoy some solid bonding time watching Nature on PBS.