A week ago I crossed paths with Her Wonderfulness, Petra, and invited her to the Manito Runners Club for our Saturday morning run. I was seriously disappointed when she did not show up.

However, as our group headed out, I saw her walking down the stairwell of her apartment building. I said to my buddy, Joe, “Hey, the most beautiful woman on the South Hill just walked out her door.”

“Where?” Joe asked, looking around.

“Turn here,” I said. “Let’s cut through this apartment parking lot.”

I caught a glimpse of Petra still near the top of the stairwell. I asked Joe to stop behind a carport. I had to time it so we’d run past right when she reached the bottom.

“Where is this woman?” Joe asked. “We need to get going.”

“Just a sec,” I said. Petra’s legs came into view at the top of the last staircase. “Okay, come on.”

I timed it perfectly. “Petra! Hey! What a coincidence.”

She was meeting a friend, which is why she hadn’t joined us. I introduced Joe, and as we chatted, I was so impressed. The way she talked, the words she used, her voice – never had a woman’s verbal skills been so appealing to me. While listening to a question that Joe asked, Petra glanced at me and smiled shyly. She’d caught me. The way I was staring at her, captivated and uber-attentive, she knew I was absolutely taken by her.

We said good-by, and Petra mentioned she’d try to make it next week.

“So, am I right? Most beautiful woman on the South Hill?” I asked Joe as we ran at a good pace to catch up.

“She is a knock-out. My crystal ball shows her and I on a date.”

“Wait a minute. You and Sheryl Ann? Haven’t you two been going out a few months now?”

“Sheryl Ann? Yeah…but Petra…wow. She is something else.”

What a mistake introducing Petra. I should’ve known. She is so absolutely, unbelievably wonderful that any guy would be instantly attracted to her.

I’ve often wondered if aliens run. Since they spend so much time zipping around the universe on their extended, far-reaching missions, they surely need exercise. Do they have treadmills in their spaceships? Or when they find an inhabited planet, do they come down and get in a workout by entering races?

I checked a bunch of race finisher lists for names that sounded alien-like. I found a 2012 Boston Marathon finisher named Zy Dwaak, however his hometown was listed as Arlington, Virginia.

I spent some time at the website, Ihadareallyweirdexperiencewithaliens.com, and found someone who’d had a remarkable encounter. I contacted him.

Hans Harzl of Steiermark. Austria, was out for a run one evening when bright lights and a loud whoosh filled the air. A spacecraft landed nearby, and a gaggle of aliens poured out.

Hans Harzl went running with aliens.

“I was scared shitless,” Hans said. “I kicked it into high gear, but they caught up and surrounded me. I’ve heard of aliens probing humans, and I begged them to leave me alone. Luckily all they did was run with me – at first.”

Hans said they went a few miles together before they turned back. The aliens told him, in perfect German, they just wanted to go for a run, happened to see him and joined up.

Hans added, “They were in great shape – weren’t even breathing hard. I think they could’ve run me into the ground if they wanted. They gave me a couple training tips and wished me good luck in my upcoming half-marathon.”

“They never did probe you?”

“Actually, they suggested some mutual probing, and it worked out very, very well.”

“Mutual probing? What’s that exactly? Sounds sexual.”

Hans smiled. “Aliens are very, very friendly. I really like them.”

If you win or place, does it excite you to get a ribbon or medal? Do you have every medal or ribbon you’ve ever got, or is it a just a matter of time before it’s in the garbage?

Most people like receiving a race award, especially if earning one is a rare occasion. Top-notch runners probably have a box or closet full of them.

I know a runner who is not excited about receiving race awards, which is how I feel about it. He thinks awards, especially just for participating makes the entry fee higher. Better to eliminate them and make the entry fee lower.

If you reach a point where you’ve accumulated too many race awards, here’s a good way to get rid of them; present them to friends under the guise of “Lifetime Friendship Award” or “Very Valuable Friend”. Just make sure to cover any race info with something shallow like a drawing or illustration that has a warm, fuzzy, feel-good quality. Be sure to maintain an expression of genuine appreciation as you present the award. Whenever you need something in the future, you can count on using this person for all kinds of favors.

On a related topic, I deserve a first-place award for my performance yesterday. In my last post I mentioned how I ran into Her Wonderfulness, Petra. Last night I had myself wrapped around her and we were kissing so passionately. I woke up, and I was very confused. How could this be? I looked around, and no one was in bed but me. It was a dream. It was so real that it took a few seconds to realize it had to be a dream only because Petra wasn’t in my bedroom. This is what I deserve a medal for – most realistic dream ever.

Boy, do I have a thing for Petra. More and more I think about her. She is so wonderful.

The most beautiful flower in the entire shop crossed my path today. I gazed at her, enthralled and awed. I can’t blow this, I can’t say anything stupid, I thought to myself.

I mentioned in my first post how I saw her running, and how I’ve looked for her on nearly every run since. Well, today it happened. At the intersection where I always stop to stretch, a woman came into view. As she got closer, I saw it was her. No way could I let her go by without talking.

“Excuse me, do you know what time it is?” I said as she passed through the intersection.

She looked at her watch. “It’s 2:45,” she said, continuing on.

“Wait! Miss! Excuse me!” She stopped. Oh, she is beautiful. So beautiful. “Is that Pacific or Mountain time?”

“Pacific or Mountain?” she asked.

“Sorry, I mean standard or daylight. You know, we just changed our clocks, but I’m sure you’re on top of it. My name is Jim.” I put my hand out. We shook.

“I’m Petra.”

“You must live in the neighborhood. I’ve seen you around.”

“I live in a big apartment building near Manito Park.”

“I know the one. I’m in a running group that meets in the park Saturday mornings at eight. You should join us sometime.”

“I think I’ve seen your group before. You meet just off the Grand Street entrance.”

“That’s right. Please come. We have coffee afterwards. It’s a good group.”

“I’ll think about it. Nice meeting you, Jim. Have a good run.”

I turned like I was going to head out, but as she ran away, I just stood there, watching. Oh, what a beautiful stride. And her backside – so appealing. What a wonderful, wonderful woman.

My attention was broken by someone pounding on a window. I looked around – it was the guy in the corner house who accused me of being a gang member. He smiled and gave a big thumbs-up.

Recently while out for a run, I came to a wide intersection where the Don’t Walk light was flashing. An older couple on the other side was waiting, and they glared at me when I sprinted across just before the signal changed. The husband snarled, “You runners think you’re so cool. Just wait til your knees go bad at 60.”

I soldiered on, assuming the guy must have been having a bad day. But I do know former runners who had to give it up because of bad knees.

Would it be better if I stopped running to prevent wear and tear on my joints? I called my friend I.P. Aard, a medical researcher at the National Institute of Running Sciences. I told her about the guy at the intersection.

“Buttercup, this is the second time in a week you’ve called me.”

“I know, but I have an important question. By the way, do you know that you are a very, very, pleasant woman.”

“Thank-you, sweet pea. It’s such a pleasure talking to you. So, the guy at the corner — did you tell him to mind his own business?”

“I should’ve. I just ignored him.”

“Good job—gold star for you. It’s true though that many runners have knee problems as they get older. If I were you, I’d be pricing wheelchairs right now.”

“No!” I shouted, hanging up. What a total downer. My day was ruined. The phone rang. It was I.P. again.

“C’mon, sugar plum, I was joking. You’ll be all right. Sure, some runners have knee issues, but you take care of yourself, you eat well, you don’t overdo it. Plus, the benefits of running far, far outweigh being sedentary.”

“That’s good news, I.P. I was really scared for a moment. Really scared.”

“There, there, Jim. It’s all right. Everything will be okay.”

I had no luck at the intersection today even though I hung around for more than ten minutes faking like I needed to stretch. I caught the guy who lives in the corner house looking at me through his front window. He probably still thinks I’m up to no good.

Apparently the most beautiful woman in the world has changed her running time, or she took the day off, which got me thinking – what is the best day of the week to rest?

After my run I called my friend, I.P. Aard, who’s a medical researcher at the National Institute of Running Sciences. She says the day of the week you rest is very important.

“So, I.P., it must be the day after a really hard workout or a tough race.”

“Jim, you know I like you, don’t you?”

“Yes, you’ve told me before, I.P. You’re pretty sweet yourself.”

“You’re such a sugar dream. But anyway, to answer your question, you should take Wednesdays off.”

“Wednesdays? Why’s that?”

“Humans have a weekly circadian cycle. That’s the low point of our biorhythmic matrix. If you need to take another day off, Sunday is a secondary low point.”

“You’re kidding. I’ve never heard of this.”

“It’s a recent find. We did a massive study last year, and a follow up one confirmed our findings.”

“Would if I ran on Wednesdays?” I asked.

“You’d have a heightened risk of injury. You don’t gain as much. You may feel lethargic.”

“When you coming out my way, I.P.? I want to show you around here.”

“I don’t have any vacation time saved up. Maybe in late summer, sweet one.”

Everyone knows that water melts witches, therefore, running in the rain is nearly stress-free since there’s little chance a hex will be put on you. If you’re a witch, not even the best rain gear is 100% effective, so it’s best to stay inside and avoid any possibility of being melted.

By the way, witches, putting hexes on people is extremely rude. If you’re out running and see a group of mortals doing the same, please refrain from working your black magic. Being considerate of others is something the witch community really needs to embrace.

Tips are below this photo of a runner enjoying a rainy day run, thanks to tip #2.

Tip #1 – Place these tips in a plastic sleeve so they won’t get soaked in case you need to refer to them mid-run.

Tip #2 – Before going for a run, read the five tips over and over until memorized. It’s inconvenient to repeatedly stop to read them during your run.

Tip #3 – Singing “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on my Head” is appropriate while running, but not in the shower afterward. The shower stream strikes the shoulders and upper back, not your head.

Tip #4 – Waterproof shoes are required to run through puddles. Puddle splashing with shoes that aren’t waterproof is a violation of running etiquette. Stopping to play and jump in puddles is okay for free-spirited, unicorn-believing runners only.

Tip #5 – The most convenient way to handle soaked running clothes is to pile them in the corner and wear again when a hot, sunny day comes around. They’ll keep you cool and refreshed until completely drying out just as you finish your run.

In my first blog post I mentioned an intersection near my house where I saw a very attractive woman running. I checked my watch and whenever I go for a run, I make sure to run past at the same time.

I haven’t seen her, but I continue to stop at the intersection to tighten my shoe laces and stretch just in case she comes along.

I was doing this during my last run when a homeowner came out and started wheeling his trash container away. He turned and said. “Are you waiting for your gang friends?”

“No, I’m not a gang-member.”

He started toward his house again, then stopped. “Are you looking for cars to steal”

“No, just taking a break from my run – doing a little stretching.”

He started toward his house and turned around yet again. “Good luck seeing her. She runs past often enough. I’m sure you’ll catch her one of these times.”

As he walked away, my jaw hung open. How did he know? He must have seen me that first day.