Running Sock Astrology

For many years I’ve suspected that personality types can be identified by sock styles. An old pal, Taul N. Leene, who heads the Office of Running Psychology at the National Institute of Running Sciences, passed through recently, and I met up with him. When I brought up my running sock theory, he got all excited.

“You are very observant,” Taul said. “We just finished a study, and it’s absolutely true.”

Taul said if you wear low-cut anklets that barely rise above the shoe, you are very conventional and dependable. You like people and animals, but most of all, butterflies. However, if the TV breaks down, you get very, very angry.

My favorite sock style is medium chimney. Taul pointed at me and said, “Oh, I know something about you that you never realized. Medium chimney people like to dance. Generally they’re kind, but they can be cruel to leafy plants. They enjoy changing the time on clocks. And…here’s what’ll surprise you – you’d rather have packages delivered to you by a company that uses camels instead of trucks.”

Todd O.

I thought about it a moment. I realized Taul was right. I’d love a camel to pull up in front of my house.

“How ‘bout people who wear over-the-calf tube socks?” I asked. My friend, Todd Oglesbee, pictured at left, loves his knee-highs.

“They’re the life of the party, however, they have issues with the phases of the moon and solar flares. They love all living things except marsupials and segmented worms.

“The most free-sprited group is the one that wears no socks. When they take a bath, they have the shower on, too. They laugh and laugh at shapes they see in the clouds, and they send text messages to animals.”

“Animals can be reached by phone?” I asked.

“We never got to the bottom of that.” Taul said.

Five No-nonsense Tips for Running in the Rain

Everyone knows that water melts witches, so running in the rain can be stress-free because you won’t cross paths with one who’d be tempted to put a hex on you. If you’re a witch, not even the best rain gear is 100% effective, so it’s best to stay inside and not take a chance at being melted.

By the way, witches, putting hexes on people is extremely rude. If you’re out for a run and see a group of mortals doing the same, please refrain from working your black magic. Being kind and considerate is something the witch community really needs to embrace.  Rain runner

         Tip #1 – Bring this list of tips with you and place them in a plastic sleeve so they won’t get soaked in case you need to refer to them mid-run.

          Tip #2 – Read the five tips over and over carefully before leaving on your run. You don’t want to stop mid-run and read them again.

          Tip #3 – Singing “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on my Head” is appropriate while running, but in the shower after running, it is inappropriate. The shower stream, for the most part, strikes the shoulders and upper back, not your head.

          Tip #4 – Runners should keep in mind that rain falls mainly on the plain except in Spain. As well, if you get soaked, a bloke from Roanoke will poke you in the throat.

          Tip #5 – Chance of rain with lows in the 40’s. Skies clearing by afternoon.

Watchful Eyes Keeping Tabs on Me

There’s an intersection not too far from my house where I saw a very attractive woman run past which I mentioned in my first blog post.

When I saw her I checked my watch and since then made sure to arrive at the intersection at the same time.

I haven’t seen her except once, possibly, when I saw a runner too far away to catch up with. But I continue to stop at the intersection to tighten my shoe laces and stretch just in case she comes along.

I was doing this during my last run when a homeowner came out and started wheeling his trash container away. He said. “I’ve noticed you standing around here a lot.”

“Just taking a break from my run – doing a little stretching.”

He started toward his house again, then stopped. “Are you a gang member?”

“No, I’m not a gang member.”

“I didn’t really think you were. Good luck seeing her though. She runs past often enough, and I’m sure you’ll catch her one of these times.”

As he walked away, my jaw hung open. How did he know? He must have seen me that first day.

 

Run Like a Super Hero

When you dress nicely, you feel good about yourself. In addition, would if what you wore caused you to run faster. Both of these can be accomplished by wearing a cape.

Since I started running with a cape, my times have become world-class.

Since I started running with a cape, my times have become world-class.

Numerous studies have shown that wearing a cape is cool. It’s why super heroes do it. Now there are capes for runners. I talked to Nicole Lund, a running store associate with expert knowledge.

“We carry lots of sizes and colors. Some people like a long cape that streams way out, whereas others like a shorter cape that will still ripple while running at an easy pace”

I thought that cape effectiveness would work only for shorter, faster runs. But Nicole said it’s not so.

“I’m a marathoner, and I started wearing a cape last fall. My PR went from 3:52 to 3:18. That’s more than a half hour improvement!”

Nicole explained that the only downside is when you happen upon a situation where there’s trouble. People tend to think you’re a super hero who came to help.

“Has that happened to you? I asked.

“Yes. This winter I came across a minor auto accident, and they wanted me to lift the car to get a trapped person out. They got very angry at me. They thought I was Wonder Woman.”

Status Upgrade: I’m at Dog Level

In my last post, I mentioned how I saw the most beautiful woman running in my neighborhood. As I was doing an eight-miler yesterday, I hoped, by amazing coincidence, we’d cross paths.

When I got to the intersection where I’d seen her, way in the distance was a woman, running the opposite direction from me. I studied her, not sure if she was the one. I thought of breaking into a sprint, but her pace looked pretty decent. It’d be hard to catch her.

A minute later she turned. I couldn’t even tell what street she’d taken. I was saddened. Maybe I missed the only chance I’d get.

I resumed my run, regretting I didn’t run after her the moment I saw her.

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I passed a fenced, two-story house. A dog that always aggressively barks and charges at me had gotten out. With no fence between us, he moved away, tail between his legs. I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

I chased him down alleys, through yards, across streets, zig-zagging from one side to the other, I was relentless. Whenever he put more gap between us, I really pushed to keep the pressure on. It was turning into a great speed workout for me.

After a mile and a half he gave up and cowered in someone’s front yard. I jumped on him.

We wrestled until I noticed the homeowner staring out the window. Dog and I cooled it and began jogging back to his house. We were friends now.

Since then I’ve gone past twice, and he’s always friendly and excited to see me.

 

 

Zombies vs. Runners

If you’re running alone, especially at night, it’s natural to worry about a zombie attack. They’re always trying to improve their stats, grow their population base, and convert us to their way of living.

zombies
Occasionally I feel vulnerable to a zombie attack, but fortunately runners have a big advantage. We can run. Even though some movies portray them as being fast and agile, they’re not. If you’ve ever taken the time to sit in a cemetery all night long and watch, when zombies come out of the ground (some can’t even do that) they’re permanently stiff and slow. The fastest they can go is a medium walk, and they can hardly bend their legs and arms. Almost anyone can outwrestle a zombie. However, they become a threat by grouping up.

I worry about this as I run because one of their favorite tactics is to hide behind parked cars, or on the other side of the corner you’re about to go around. I always try to keep space between myself and places they could be hiding.

I got a big scare the other day while running through my neighborhood. I was thinking about zombies when I heard footsteps behind me.

I turned around, and it wasn’t a zombie. It was a woman, running through the intersection I’d just gone through. She was tall, dark-haired, wearing a form-fitting dark blue outfit and a white cap. Her ponytail bounced as she ran.

I stared until she passed by. I ran back to the intersection and watched. Her form was so efficient, her thighs so long and beautifully shaped. I couldn’t believe how taken I was. This woman…she was the most beautiful flower in the whole shop.

I looked at my watch. I checked the intersection. It was a Tuesday. I had to write this down as soon as I got home. So much for worrying about zombies.