It wouldn’t be pleasant if you found yourself being chased through the streets by the police. Unfortunately, I can see this happening to myself. My friends, glancing out the window, surely would think, “Gosh, what did Jim do?”

I read a blog post in Running is Funny about races across the country that have a cops chasing criminals theme, including one next weekend in Debary, Florida called the Jail Break 5K. Officers from law enforcement agencies start the race two minutes after the rest of the field. Their goal is to catch up to as many runners as possible, who are encouraged to dress as prisoners. The agency catching up with the most earns extra donations that go to charity.

When I read this, I thought it was a pretty neat idea. However some issues have since come to mind.

First, real prisoners are always looking to get out of jail. But one of the biggest drawbacks is how not to look like a prisoner running away from a jailbreak. A community doing a jailbreak fun run provides perfect cover.

Second, law enforcement loves events like this. They come in droves because it’s a stress-relief, let’s have a little fun, we love to play around while raising money for our favorite charity kind of thing. But when guards at the jail tell the custodian to keep an eye on things while they’re “out for a while,” you know the prisoners take notice.

When the prisoners make their break, sprinting out of jail en masse, passers-by, who believe they’ve come across the race course inadvertently, cheer them on. A few texts, tweets, and Facebook posts later, the streets are lined with spectators rooting for them. Meanwhile, as the real race starts, the participants are saddened by the apparent lack of interest and are unmotivated to run hard because no one’s there to cheer them on.

Petra has been on my mind so much that it’s difficult to focus. Even though I run often, I’ve had to add long daily walks to help alleviate my restlessness. I am constantly thinking about her and sometimes I become very sad because I am not with her.

So, hopefully the following post will be of interest to you, and at the same time, keep my mind off the wonderful Petra.

Plenty of runners have jumped onto the minimalist footwear trend that has been popularized by the book Born to Run, by Chris McDougall. He was in town recently and a bunch of my running group friends attended a reading he gave.

This issue has plenty of pros and cons, so I contacted the National Institute of Running Sciences, and spoke to an acquaintance, Dr. Ayer O’Beck, Chief of Running Research. I tried to pin him down on whether it’s a good thing or not, but he wouldn’t give a definitive answer. Our conversation went in circles as I tried to get him to tell me his position. This is what he said when I really pressed him:

“It’s hard to say if it’s better or worse than running in traditional thick-soled shoes. A lot depends on individual preference and the body’s response to minimalist footwear.”

I emailed him a photo of my friend, Javier Pita, pictured with the author, and asked if he should wear foot gloves. Dr. O’Beck asked about Javier’s running background. When I told him, adding that he’s a 2:49 marathoner, Dr. O’Beck said he’d do very well in minimalist footwear.

“How about if you’re out running,” I began, “and you see this fabulously beautiful woman and after trying and trying, you finally meet her. Eventually you get to know her, but then it turns out she has a boyfriend. Will wearing minimalist footwear help out?”

“You know, Jim, we have an Office of Running Psychology here. They may be able to help. They’re supportive. They listen. They know what you’re going through. Shall I transfer your call?”

“Thanks, Ayer, but I want to focus on the purpose of my call, which is Petra…I mean minimalist footwear. So…in this day and age of running groups and entering marathons and half-marathons, and doing hill workouts and trying to increase your mileage, do you think it’s best to not look at women runners, I mean,..not talk to them? Is it better to always run alone, deep in the woods so you don’t cross paths with anyone?”

“Jim, seriously, the people in the Office of Running Psychology are good. I’m going to connect you right now.”

“Thanks, Ayer. Appreciate it.”

I mention in the About page how I’ve embraced the concept that is the name of this blog. And so yesterday, I ran to the grocery store.

The store isn’t too far away, so I can get there before I start sweating, which is a good thing for shopping. I carry groceries home with a messenger bag that I can tighten down so there’s little bounce or sway. Being single and making a couple trips a week, I can easily pack home everything I need.

I’m not self-conscious about shopping while wearing my running outfit, however, since I started wearing a cape, I get looks, especially from kids.

I was in the cereal aisle, and a couple holding hands turned the corner coming toward me. It was Petra. I didn’t want to talk, but I couldn’t avoid her without being obvious.

She greeted me warmly, and we chatted for a moment and then the introduction came.

“Jim, this is my boyfriend, Byron.”

After a couple minutes of conversation, it seemed that he was a thoughtful and down-to-earth guy. He asked how long I’ve been wearing a cape. I said a couple months, but one downside is that zombies, for some reason, are especially attracted to cape-wearers. He scowled and said bitterly, “They’re always trying improve their stats and convert us to their way of life.”

Byron said it was a pleasure meeting me, Petra wished me a pleasant day, and we parted.

After paying for my groceries, I ran home, thinking how hard it’d be making a move on the girlfriend of someone who’s a nice guy. I wondered how in the world Petra and I will become a couple.

I pulled into the parking lot at Manito Park and and immediately saw Her Wonderfulness. It’s odd how I noticed her with but a glance when there were 15 or 20 people standing together. It was like everyone was in the shadows, and Petra had a big spotlight on her.

Joe was talking to Petra, and he was really hitting on her. He touched her arm and leaned toward her as he talked, and he was already standing so close. Petra was nodding and being very attentive.

Joe eventually wandered off, and two other guys immediately swooped in. I bet it’s the same thing wherever she goes. I made my way over to Joe, said hello, asked how things were going, and then broached the issue.

“You’re not wasting any time with Petra are you?”

Joe smiled. “Am I that obvious?”

“Yes. I want to get my two minutes in, but you overstay your time allotment and then those two move in, and they didn’t even sign-up.”

Joe chuckled. “So, we need to get on a waiting list to talk to Petra?”

“Way it’s going, it’s the only way I can get a word in.”

After announcements we headed out, and I was able to run next to Petra for a couple miles. What’s so special about her is that talk comes so easily. I don’t have to work at it, and our conversations are so stimulating. I think it’s the same for her, too.

And being next to her, just us two, feels so good. It’s like we’re mimicking being a couple. However, there was one small word Petra used that left me bummed for the rest of the day.

She was telling me about a recent weekend trip she’d taken to Missoula. She described a hike, saying, “We saw two moose.”

Anytime the word “we” is used without elaboration, it can mean only one thing – she has a boyfriend.

More and more, street gangs are preying on runners because they’ve decimated their traditional targets, door-to-door salesmen and proselytizers.

A new and effective strategy had been developed for running in gang-infested neighborhoods. It features a formation called the attack wedge. It brushes gang members aside like a broom dispatching dirt.

When the attack wedge advances, the point breaks up the gang, and the flanks push it aside to create a clear path. The only apparent weakness is assaults from the rear, however – knock, knock! – runners are fast! Gang members can’t begin to approach from the rear with their baggy pants halfway down their legs.

The daunting attack wedge repels gangs in the toughest neighborhoods.

The group above agreed to demonstrate the attack wedge. Having a scowl or tough-guy expression is very important. However, as adept as they are doing the wedge, on this morning all they wanted to do was play around.

Wayne, the leader in red, kept urging everyone to follow him because he was the magical Pied Piper. Whatever. Stephanie, wearing the hat and the only runner out of position told me she knows more about attack wedges than me and wasn’t moving.

Veronica, dressed in black and wearing headphones, wouldn’t stop playing her music and couldn’t hear directions. When she finally took them off, the music was blasting and everyone started dancing. It took twenty minutes to get them to stop and get back in formation.

Jill, to the right of Wayne and wearing the white top, is a teacher and kept giving everyone a gold star for the awesome job they were doing. But no one was doing an awesome job. No one at all! Oh, I was so very extremely intensely angry. I had to go for a long drive afterward. I was still in a rage by evening time and had to make an after-hours appointment with my anger management counselor.

Petra crossed the street and ran toward us. She came right over and said good morning to me. My day was just made.

“Good morning to you, Petra. Ready for a five miler?”

“Sure am. How about you, Jim?”

As we chatted, I remembered how I really like the way she maintains eye contact during conversation. Such a beautiful woman, giving me her full attention. It’s like she’s interested in everything I say.

“Petra, hello!”

I should’ve known Joe would waste no time coming over. In my post on March 31^st, I wrote how I introduced him, and he was instantly smitten. He said his crystal ball showed him and Petra dating, even though he has a girlfriend.

I was asked to introduce Petra to the group since I had invited her. I mentioned I met her while running, and since she lives across the street from Manito Park, she has no reason not to come every single week. When I was done, the group broke into applause. That has never happened with a new runner before.

We did our five miles and went to the Rockwood Bakery for coffee. I talked a little with Petra, but there were 22 members for her to meet, and the girls always talk at length with new female runners.

Petra made a point to come over and say good-by to me as our group broke up. Walking back to the parking lot, I was careful not to be too obvious eyeing Petra as she walked in front of me. I’ve mentioned before how her backside is so, so appealing.

Sitting in my car in the lot, I watched Petra climb the stairwell of her apartment across the street. I felt a tingle inside my chest. She is something else. I hope Her Wonderfulness will come to our runs regularly.

Eating whatever you want is a freedom many runners enjoy, but if you want to fine-tune your body into a PR-producing machine, you should follow the guidelines of the SNARP program.

The diet choice of many Olympians and top runners, the SNARP diet (Strategic Nourishment and Replenishment Program), was designed by Jim Johnson of Spokane, Washington.

SNARP is rated best diet regimen by the Society of Noteworthy Urban Running Professionals (SNURP). Since 2007, SNURP has been recommending SNARP for all serious runners.

Jim Johnson, creator of the SNARP diet, enjoying a post-run meal.

Recently a group of dietary specialists started their own nutrition plan called Sensible Nutrition – Outstanding Running Performance (SNORP). By using a similar acronym, they hope to siphon runners away from the SNARP diet. Don’t be snookered! Even the urban professional running organization SNURP says, “SNARP’s snazzy and snappy creator Jim is far more knowledgeable than the sneaky snobs at SNORP.”

SNORP causes odd side effects. It inflames the nasal passages and causes allergic reactions, resulting in very loud breathing noises. I spoke to a member of a running club in Denver that had adopted SNORP’s diet plan. Here’s what he had to say:

“Everyone’s in a snit. Like a bunch of pigs with a cold, we snort and sneeze from the beginning of our run to the end. People snicker at us. We’re snubbed by other runners. We’re giving up SNORP.”

It’s okay to sneer at SNORP’s program. It’s a dietary snafu. Instead, catch a snippet of Jim Johnson’s great diet plan at SNARPforamazingrunningsuccess.com. You’ll snuff out mediocrity and get a sniff of being a true champion.

We had our first stretch of warm weather last weekend. I wanted to do some trail running, so I went to nearby Riverside State Park. As I crossed the swinging bridge over the Spokane River, I had a feeling it was going to be a great day.

Running on the main trail, the sound of chirping birds filled the air. I stopped to listen. They seemed so happy and full of joy. I couldn’t stop smiling and really appreciating the golden moment. The world is beautiful.

I turned onto a side trail that follows the river until coming to a lush and serene section. I stopped to admire the beauty of the clear, powerful water. Just then a fish jumped completely out of the water, twisting in mid-air. I was amazed at nature’s spectacular display. I applauded and whistled, giving it a perfect score of 10.

I had a feeling something exciting was in store for me as I ran up a hill.

The long, twisty path took me to a remote ridge top with a great view. I was caught off guard by the explosion of beauty. Oh, what a special moment. A hawk used the breeze to effortlessly glide upward, passing so close to me. I wiped a tear from my eye. How lucky I was to experience nature on such a glorious and wonderful day.

A week ago I crossed paths with Her Wonderfulness, Petra, and invited her to the Manito Runners Club for our Saturday morning run. I was seriously disappointed when she did not show up.

However, as our group headed out, I saw her walking down the stairwell of her apartment building. I said to my buddy, Joe, “Hey, the most beautiful woman on the South Hill just walked out her door.”

“Where?” Joe asked, looking around.

“Turn here,” I said. “Let’s cut through this apartment parking lot.”

I caught a glimpse of Petra still near the top of the stairwell. I asked Joe to stop behind a carport. I had to time it so we’d run past right when she reached the bottom.

“Where is this woman?” Joe asked. “We need to get going.”

“Just a sec,” I said. Petra’s legs came into view at the top of the last staircase. “Okay, come on.”

I timed it perfectly. “Petra! Hey! What a coincidence.”

She was meeting a friend, which is why she hadn’t joined us. I introduced Joe, and as we chatted, I was so impressed. The way she talked, the words she used, her voice – never had a woman’s verbal skills been so appealing to me. While listening to a question that Joe asked, Petra glanced at me and smiled shyly. She’d caught me. The way I was staring at her, captivated and uber-attentive, she knew I was absolutely taken by her.

We said good-by, and Petra mentioned she’d try to make it next week.

“So, am I right? Most beautiful woman on the South Hill?” I asked Joe as we ran at a good pace to catch up.

“She is a knock-out. My crystal ball shows her and I on a date.”

“Wait a minute. You and Sheryl Ann? Haven’t you two been going out a few months now?”

“Sheryl Ann? Yeah…but Petra…wow. She is something else.”

What a mistake introducing Petra. I should’ve known. She is so absolutely, unbelievably wonderful that any guy would be instantly attracted to her.