Before you read any further, grab your calendar and mark October 6th. I’m very happy to announce the first annual Red Lion/Basalt and Pine Marathon. This premier marathon will be held in my front yard. The race name comes from the sponsor and a couple important components of my landscaping.

Many of you may remember a recent post in which I explained how I converted my lawn into a natural landscape of indigenous plants, and how I go for runs on paths I made. Because of many favorable comments and suggestions, I’ve decided to host a marathon.

I’m on a ten mile training run in my front yard, preparing for the marathon.

A unique feature is spectators can view the entire marathon without changing location. I’ll be installing bleachers along the curb and benches in several places. I’ve also been getting the course in shape – pruning, widening the running paths, and course beautification.

It’s been very hot lately, but I’ve been working very hard. However, I have to take a break now and then.

Another great amenity – no foul-smelling port-a-potties. All participants and spectators have full access to my home bathroom.

The good news doesn’t end. I just received documents certifying my marathon as a Boston qualifier.

A 50% discount on rooms at the Red Lion Hotel has been arranged. The Red Lion/Basalt and Pine Marathon Trade Show will be held in the hotel convention area the day before the race.

This marathon is shaping up to be a 5-star event. If there’s something you’d like to see, please leave a suggestion on how I can make this event even better.

On April 26^th, I wrote a post called Long Hair and Beard Slows Runner. It features Britt Davis, a fellow member of the Flying Irish running group and the Manito Runners Club. For a while it was my second most-read post. Now, my site statistics show it’s the most-read by a large margin.

It’s good that a post I wrote has done so well, but there’s a downside. It’s mostly about Britt Davis. This is really bothersome because I want everything to be all about me. What’s even worse is that Britt offered to be the subject for a post on long hair and beards. Oh, I just hate having to admit he came up with the idea for my most-read post.

When a new article is posted, it receives its greatest number of viewers that day, or the next day if I posted late. Over time, fewer and fewer people go to that page. After several days, the post gets read very sporadically, and most days, not at all.

However, Long Hair and Beard Slows Runner is a different story. It went downhill like other posts, but it kept showing up in my stats as being viewed a bit more frequently than others. After a while, it started showing up nearly every day. Now, more than two months after it was published, it’s gaining steam.

I wondered why it was pulling in readers. Back in May I googled long hair and beard and found that the post was on the third page of the results. Someone with a little computer background could probably explain why this post showed up on the third page out of several million results for this search term, but I really don’t know how it happens. I have no idea how search engines work. As well, the posted photo of Britt made it onto Google’s long hair and beard images. My desktop displays 40 rows of images and though Britt was near the bottom, I thought it was something that he was even there.

Every so often I googled long hair and beard, and each time I found that Britt’s photo and the post about him climbing. I checked just today and the post is now on the first page of the search results, second item down, right after images for long hair and beard. And in those images, Britt is in the third row. He’s ahead of images of Paul Rudd, Keanu Reeves and Ashton Kucher. I’m so incensed because if I had thought to grow my hair long and start a beard, it’d be me there instead of Britt.

I guess I should share the stage and give Britt credit. However, I’ve discovered I have a claim to fame, too. I know that not many people would google this topic, but if you did runners in capes, guess whose picture is the first one.

Lately I’ve not been feeling so well at the end of my runs.

I’ve been telling some of my fellow running club members that I’m in a post-Bloomsday running funk. I did well stepping up my training for it, but I ran poorly in the May 5^th 12k. Since then, I’ve really reduced my mileage, but still can’t run more than five miles without pain in my hip and thigh developing. It goes away after a couple days rest, but happens again next run. I also have soreness in my right calf that has lingered for over a month.

As always, when I need accurate medical information, I call my very good friend, I.P. Aard, who’s a medical researcher at the National Institute of Running Sciences. I wrote about a visit she made to my hometown of Spokane in a previous post, Running Expert Pays Home Visit.

These visual aids detail the leg issues I have going on

When I called I.P.’s number, the person who answered sounded like her, but insisted she was a new person on staff, Dr. Spede E. Runnur. It sounded like a totally fake name, but amazingly, many employees at the Institute have names that are similar to running-related terms. Here are a few examples:

• I.P. Aard – I PR’ed
• Sted E. Payce – steady pace
• N. Terrville Wurkoutz – interval workouts

I asked Ms. Runnur what happened to I.P. She said that I.P. and another employee were canned last week because they spent too much time doing elevator vs. stairs races in the Institute building.

I was taken aback and genuflected a moment about my very good friend, knowing she must be very upset. I made a point to get hold of her right away.

I described my injury to Dr. Runnur. She said she’d come across the exact symptom set a few times lately, and the problem was that my leg was in a rut. Doubtful that this is a real medical condition, I asked how my leg could get into a rut. Dr. Runnur said that frequent running over a long period of time can lead to a condition called bipedal boredom, the precursor to leg in a rut. She said the most effective treatment is a couple sessions of acupuncture.

I thanked Dr. Runnur and wished her well in her new position. She replied, “Thank-you, honey bean. How have you been?”

I was taken aback a second time. “I.P., you…you fooled me.”

“I was surprised I had you going for so long. Sorry about your injury, but really, acupuncture should help. When are you coming out my way? I’d really like to see you.”

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the technology upgrades I was making to enhance the user experience for my blog readers in the post, High Tech to Highest Tech. Many offered congratulations. Some were interested in the nuts and bolts of this new wave of technology that I developed. This is what caused things to unravel.

I’m embarrassed and ashamed at my behavior.

I was forced to talk in circles and now, the gig is up. I admit I misled everyone. For instance, I posted a photo of a big-screen smart phone that I developed which would soon be available in stores.

It isn’t a smart phone. It’s my TV, taken off its holder.

I don’t even own a smart phone. The most up-to-date device I have is a desktop with a 10-inch screen that I bought in 1998. Whenever I do something, I have to hit it to make it work.

I wrote how I was starting new social media platforms called Twicker, which is similar to Twitter, and FaceNotes, the preferred alternative to Facebook. And I was installing wireless infrastructure to support these platforms in wind turbines around the country. Well, guess what. It’s not my crew installing equipment in the below photo. I just happened to be driving along Highway 127 near Pomeroy, Washington and stopped to take a picture.

Wind turbine located in the state of Washington, USA.

Wind turbine companies wouldn’t even let me in the back door. I had to build my own towers, which of course, I don’t have the money to do. But I got together enough scrap metal and constructed one on some vacant land at the side of the highway. But I lost the signal after a big windstorm and went out to check on it.

It was so damaged I had no choice but to throw in the towel. So again, I offer my most sincere and heartfelt apology. I promise, I won’t do it again.

I wrote last week that I was going from three posts to two posts a week because, among other obligations, the time commitment was keeping me from the twice-yearly laundering of the bed sheets and the once-a-month dish washing, which seems like the actual schedule lately.

But I decided I’d do an occasional, additional post about something I have in mind that may be interesting or somewhat entertaining, and unlike my normal post, true. Today, I have something in mind.

The writer of SkinnyRunner

The first few weeks of doing this blog, I spent some time reading other blogs. I came across one called SkinnyRunner. If you google running blogs, it’s sure to be right up there because it has a large readership. I read a few posts from time to time and then on May 19th, I was reading through some comments (by the way, SkinnyRunner gets more comments in one day than my blog has got since I started it), and noticed nearly every commenter was female. This gave me an idea.

I left a comment, mentioning that a lot of women visit her site, many of whom are very attractive, and I would like to be eye candy for them. I asked her to post my blog gavatar on her site. My gravatar is the photo of me running in a cape. I also wrote that as proof of my hotness, she should click on the link to “Jim, you are so hot” that I included with my comment.  This is a post I wrote about being at the Bloomsday 12K tradeshow with a garbage bag filled with donut holes and animal cookies I’d scammed from a bakery booth.

A day or two later, I returned to see if there was a reply to my comment. No reply. No comment either. It had been deleted.

I had a very bad feeling afterward. Though I was just playing around, I could see quite plainly how after reading my comment she’d think I was a jerk. I’d failed to consider this, and I worried that it could bring me additional negative consequences. I decided not to leave anymore comments and keep a very low profile.

Well, now I can put my worries to rest. A few days ago, I discovered that my comment has been resurrected. I was totally surprised by this. Apparently, SkinnyRunner has decided that I’m okay.

Anyway, like I said, SkinnyRunner’s readership is largely women, but I still find the site interesting. The writer started running seriously in 2008 and just ran her 50^th marathon, the Rock ‘n’ Roll Seattle Marathon last Saturday in 3:21:18. Before I banned myself from her blog, I read a post where she had just won a marathon in about 3:14. Her PR is 3:11:42. On her site menu she has a heading called Races in which she reviews full and half-marathons she has done to give people an idea of the course and how well the race is managed.

Turning to another topic, I’ve been in a post-Bloomsday running funk, and I’m thinking about going to an acupuncturist. Maybe that’s a future blog post.

I previously wrote about Hans Harzl, an Austrian runner who joined a bunch of aliens for a run. Since writing about this incident, they appear to be emboldened.

Hans Harzl had the misfortune of being spotted by aliens while on  a run.

They apparently want more interactions with humans, especially in Eastern Washington where I live. It seems they like the camaraderie of running with us, even though 9 out of 10 people believe aliens are scary.

I started doing patrols in and around my hometown, focusing on nearby wheat-growing areas because I know how aliens like to do the crop-circle thing.

Patrolling and monitoring the countryside for signs of extraterrestrial visitors.

I came across a site where the wheat was laid down in an obvious attempt at crop circle-making. It was clearly the work of aliens, but this group is far from having the full skill set.

They may be aliens, but that doesn’t mean they’re great at making crop circles.

I noticed blatant soil disturbance. The average alien knows how to cover their tracks, so these guys are obviously just starting out. I collected a soil sample and tested it in my basement laboratory. Voila! Elements not found on earth. They’re here, but being mistake-prone, maybe they’re not so scary after all.

Propellant residue. Elements not of earth. Bottle caps from a brewery unknown on Earth. It all adds up to aliens.

So if a spaceship lands near you and a gaggle of aliens pour out to join you for a run, maybe showing them a cool running route will really impress them.

I previously wrote of a fellow running club member who dressed like and mimicked his idol, Steve Prefontaine, unknowingly channeling Pre’s talent.

Cassandra Mooter stretching before a run

Now, another major talent has risen. Cassandra Mooter stretches and does enigmatic poses before Flying Irish runs. At first a solitary exerciser, she attracted followers and now leads a group of several dozen before each run. I like to watch because faint streaks of light shoot from her, and a halo-like shine outlines her body. Sometimes a colorful, ethereal rainbow forms over her head, causing a quick shower that drenches her. I think it’s funny when that happens.

I resisted joining her group. I just don’t like to stretch. She once touched me and remarked my muscles are as stretchy as steel cables. That’s amazingly spot on. In high school I was so tight, my cross-country teammates called me cableman.

Cassandra tailored a program I can do at home. It’s really opened my chakras, releasing gobs of dynamic energy. Endorphins have eased my tightness. I encourage you to give the wonderful poses below a try.

Cassandra says symbolizing the meshing of the physical with the intellectual in a pose, I can create an optimal balance. My running has become so holistic.

By running in an inverted position, I draw sky energy to compliment ground energy. Don’t have to do a lot of it. Sky is to ground like cream is to coffee.

By invoking the power of the triangle with head chakra vibes and the ancient grain energy of amaranth and quinoa contained in a package of Tru Roots brand pasta, I funnel power into my personal energy grid.

I can’t remember the explanation for this one.

The photo below, which I use for my blog gravatar and a post back in March called Run Like a Superhero, was taken at Franklin Park, which is just a block from my house by Keenan Daniel Walsh, who is a fellow Flying Irish running club member. I asked if he’d take a bunch of photos for me before I started this blog.

Keenan, who is not a photographer, had to take a lot of shots before getting it. I ran back and forth, time and time again and with each pass, he’d shake his head and look all disappointed. When he finally got it, he threw his fist into the air, saying “Got it! This is it!” He wasn’t even trying, but he also got snow-capped Mt. Spokane in the background. I say to Keenan, good job!

This will be the last Wednesday post because I’m falling behind with all the stuff I need to do. I’ve been punctual about posts, but I need to cut one day out. So instead of three posts per week, I’ll be doing two. If you feel with one less post you’re not getting your money’s worth, send a note to my home address. Use refund code C-146, and I’ll compensate you’ll generously. I’ll also include a long, personally written letter of apology.

If you’re reading this, I appreciate it. My site stats record how many people visit each day, and on days that have really low visitation, it bums me out. I get such a kick writing my goofy posts, but if no one read them, I’d soon lose interest.

Those of you who have given me compliments through comments on the blog, Facebook, a phone text or in person, I so much appreciate that. It really makes me feel good. I award you a handful of gold stars.