Race wins put me in elite status

In my last post, I wrote about confiscating the medal of the 2013 Newport Autumn Bloom 10K women’s overall winner for being loud and talky while running. My friend, Matthew Kee, reported this to the race director and surprisingly, because I had possession of the medal, the race results were updated, and I’m now the women’s overall winner. This gave me an idea on how I could improve my racing performance for the past year.

A friend of mine, Gary Lewis, was the Autumn Bloom 5K winner. I knew he was having trouble installing a new engine in his car, so I offered to help if he gave me his medal. He agreed and after a long afternoon, his car was like new, and I had another medal. I called the race director with the information, and she said she’d update the results. She congratulated me on my win.

Another friend, James Dalton, showed up at our Flying Irish Club run wearing a medal for winning a 5-mile race he’d done over the weekend. The club president wanted to take photos of the men’s and women’s winners with their medals. I know this may seem shabby, but after the photo, James left his medal on a table, and I took it.

The next day, I called the race director and told him that I now held the medal, and the results should be updated. However, he said anyone could claim to have the medal. I told him I’d email a photo of me with the medal, which I did. After another lengthy phone call, he said he just couldn’t change the results.

It’s an outrage, and it’s intensely unfair. But how can the average citizen win against the powerful corporate elite. At the next Flying Irish run I returned the medal to James, telling him I found it laying in the parking lot. James bought me a beer in appreciation which helped ease my outrage.

Over the course of a few days, I managed to acquire several more medals from race winners. Below is a table showing how well I’ve done this year.

Jim’s Race Performances for 2013

  •      Men’s overall winner  –  5 races
  •      Women’s overall winner  –  2 races
  •      Winner and new course record holder  –  1 race
  •      Rude race directors who refused to change results  –  2 races

I like wearing my medals everywhere I go because I’m proud of my accomplishments. As well, people look at me like I’m a movie star.medal man

A reporter for a local TV station happened to see me while I was downtown yesterday. She stopped me and asked about the medals. She was so impressed that she arranged an interview, and I’ll be featured on a newscast in the very near future.

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