Coffee can improve race times, however it must be administered in the proper way for maximum benefit. Some runners like to drink coffee before their morning run, or even before races. I’m one of the few runners who enjoys a cup while running. Though nothing is wrong with this, it won’t lead to a big improvement in performance.

I talked to Dr. Ayer O’Beck, Chief of Running Research at the National Institute of Running Sciences. He said the Institute is doing new research on natural substances that can improve performance. Though the compounds in coffee offer slight improvement when ingested, it’s a different story if the digestive system is bypassed.

Dr. O’Beck gave me concrete, lab-proven results on how coffee improves performance and methods for getting it inside the body. Yet he warned me not to divulge this secret. The information was being forwarded to regulating agencies to determine if they should be banned or allowed. I gave him my solemn promise. After getting off the phone, I changed my mind.

A promising method is snorting. Now, I know you cocaine users will get excited just looking at the below picture, but sorry for the disappointment – there’s no high.

Fifteen minutes later, I went for a 6-mile run and did four minutes faster than usual. Not bad, but I’m after super-human performance.

Another method with potentially great results is bathing in a tub of strong coffee. I took a ninety-minute bath with steaming hot water and 24 cups of finely ground coffee. I got bored laying in the tub, so I started giving myself a full wash. Big mistake. By rubbing in the coffee, I ended up with a very dark, fake tan for days. The coffee grounds took so long to clean after my bath that I lost my edge by the time I started running. This method is too much hassle.

Finally, I tried direct injection. I made a thick syrup from high-caffeine beans and applied a rope tourniquet.

As I lifted the syringe, I got a bad feeling. This is something that heroin addicts do. Those of you who are heroin addicts, I don’t mean to offend you. You guys are fine people. However, I don’t want to be a heroin addict. It was clear that injecting coffee syrup was a first step. I threw the syringe to the floor and stomped on it.

I’ve given up my pursuit of coffee-fueled, super-human, running performance. From now on, I’ll enjoy coffee the regular way.