I belong to a running club, and one day a fellow member, Britt Davis, pictured at right, told me he likes his long locks and facial hair, but is worried they might be a detriment to his race times. With my connections at the National Institute of Running Sciences, he wanted me to inquire if this is true.

I told Britt that first of all, he needs to give up the hippie lifestyle. Smoking dope day and night while already sky high on multiple hallucinogens won’t produce fast times. He can’t even stay on course during our group runs, and whenever he catches sight of the nearby Spokane River, he jumps in to search for his mermaid soulmate.

“Jim, listen,” Britt said. “I don’t do drugs, and you’re making up the mermaid soulmate thing.”

Britt’s right. I’m prone to adding phony details to create drama. I apologized, pulled out my phone and called my friend, Dr. N. Terrville Wurkoutz at the Institute.

The Noggin Smoother

Dr. Wurkoutz says that any drag on speed is very minimal. But if you’re competing at a very high level, even minimal drag can be the difference between getting a gleaming five-foot tall trophy or a paltry runners-up ribbon the size of a Band-aid. He suggested the Noggin Smoother. It’s a new product made of a shrink wrap plastic/lycra blend that covers the head and plasters all your hair to the skin, creating a superb aerodynamic effect. It won’t impair your vision because it’s so thin you can see through it.

When I informed Britt, he became very motivated to improve his running. He said to me, “Far out, man. This is so groovy. The Noggin Smoother is so trippin’, dude. I’m buying one, and if it doesn’t help, I’ll be bummmmed out.”

With that, Britt picked a flower, put it into his hair and strutted away.