I was walking past a booth at the Bloomsday Trade Show recently when a salesperson said, “Jim, you need to try some Newtons.”

It was Nicole Lund, the same person who got me wearing capes. I pretended not to hear and continued on. I didn’t want her to know that the huge trash bag I had was filled with more free donut holes and frosted animal cookies from the Franz Bakery booth than anyone has ever helped themselves to.

“Come on, Jim,” she said again. “You’ll love the Newtons. Set that giant bag of cookies and donuts in the corner.”

As she laced up the shoes, I asked if Newtons are named after that Las Vegas singer, Wayne Newton. Nicole said they’re named after him, Sir Isaac Newton, and those delicious treats, Fig Newtons.

“How can they be named after three completely different things? Is that really true?”

“Yes, google it. Now give those a try.”

I ran down the corridor. Three people took pictures of me. When I ran back, three more camera flashes went off. I liked the bright color of the Newtons, and I thought they looked really good on me, but I had no idea that six people would be so struck that they’d snap photos of me doing a test run. When I told Nicole, she patted me on the shoulder. “Jim, you are so hot in those shoes, but you set off the security cameras.”

Nicole introduced me to Jack McPheron, the Newton sales rep. I asked if Newton would sponsor me at Bloomsday. Jack said I looked like a fast runner, but unfortunately, shoe companies tend to sponsor elite runners. When I pointed out my charisma could generate more sales than an elite runner, Nicole supported me, mentioning the time I told a joke that made people really laugh.

Nicole Lund and Jack McPheron at the Newton booth

Jack thanked me for trying out the Newtons, and as I left the convention center, my trash bag of donut holes and animal cookies slung over my shoulder, I saw a billboard across the street. If Newton decides to send me a contract, I figured I’d soon be on it.