Will I Die if I Lose my Keys?


If you’re a longtime runner, possibly you’ve lost your house or car key while on a run. How can you prevent this, and if it happens, what can you do?Key tied to shoe

I contacted Sted E. Payce, head of the Office of Key Security at the National Institute of Running Sciences. He shared a survey done last year about places runners keep their keys:

  • Running shorts or pants pocket – 47%
  • Shoe laces – 22%
  • Fanny pack or strap-on key pouch – 9%
  • Neck or bracelet chain – 7%
  • Buried deep inside thick, unmanageable hair – 5%
  • Hanging on nose ring – 3%
  • Other – 2%

Mr. Payce believes it doesn’t matter which method you use, though he suggested using a nose ring is best as your key is always right in front of you. However, remembering where you put it is key. (Mr. Payce laughed after saying this.)

“Yes, that’s funny,” I replied. “But what do you do if somehow your key gets lost?”

Mr. Payce says these guidelines have been developed:

  • Don’t panic until at least several hours have passed.
  • Don’t smash or break a window to get inside your house or car. Judges have heard the “I lost my key” excuse a zillion times.
  • Re-trace your running route. Even if you don’t find your key, the extra mileage may mean a PR in next week’s race.
  • Have faith that when people lose their keys, even in remote or dangerous areas, less than 1 in 3 cases end in death.

When Gangs Go After Runners

More and more, street gangs are preying on runners because they’ve decimated their traditional targets, door-to-door salesmen and proselytizers.

An effective and proven technique is the attack wedge. When runners arrange in a V-shaped formation, they can brush aside an advancing gang. The flanks protect against attacks from the sides, and the only apparent weakness is assaults from the rear. However – knock, knock! – runners are fast! Gang members can’t begin to approach from the rear with their baggy pants halfway down their legs.

The daunting Attack Wedge repels gangs in the toughest neighborhoods.

The daunting attack wedge repels gangs in the toughest neighborhoods.

The group above agreed to demonstrate the attack wedge. Having a scowl or tough-guy expression is very important. But getting them to do it was extremely difficult. All they wanted to do was play around.

Wayne, the leader in red, kept urging everyone to follow him because he was the magical Pied Piper. Whatever. Stephanie, wearing the hat and the only runner out of position told me she knows more about attack wedges than me and wasn’t moving.

Veronica, dressed in black, wearing headphones, wouldn’t stop playing her music and couldn’t hear directions. When she finally took them off, the music was blasting and everyone started dancing. It took me twenty minutes to get them to stop and get back in formation.

Jill, to the right of Wayne and wearing the white top, is a teacher and kept giving everyone a gold star for the awesome job they were doing. But no one was doing an awesome job. No one at all! Oh, I was so very extremely intensely angry. I had to go for a long drive afterward. I was still in a rage by evening time and had to make an after-hours appointment with my anger management counselor.

Park Instantly Beautified – Petra Shows up

Petra crossed the street and ran across the park. She was coming to our group’s Saturday morning run for the first time. She came right over and said good morning to me. My day was just made.

“Good morning to you, Petra. Ready to do five miles?”

“Sure am. How about you, Jim?”

As we chatted, I remembered how I really like the way she maintains eye contact during conversation. Such a beautiful woman, giving me her full attention. It’s like she’s interested in everything I say.

“Petra, hello!”

I should’ve known Joe would waste no time coming over. In my post on March 31st, I wrote how I introduced him, and he was instantly smitten. He said his crystal ball showed him and Petra dating, even though he has a girlfriend.

Because she’s new, I was asked to introduce Petra to the group. I mentioned how I met her while running, and she has no reason not to come every week since she lives across the street. When I was done, the group broke into applause. That had never happened with a new runner before.

We did our five miles and went to the Rockwood Bakery for coffee. I talked a little with Petra, but there were 22 members for her to meet, and the girls always talk at length with new female runners.

Petra made a point to come over and say good-by to me as our group broke up. Walking back to the parking lot, I was careful not to be too obvious eyeing Petra as she walked in front of me. I’ve mentioned before how her backside is so, so appealing.

Sitting in my car in the lot, I watched Petra climb the stairwell of her apartment across the street. I felt a tingle inside my chest. She is something else. I hope Her Wonderfulness will come to our runs regularly.

Eat Your Way to a PR

Eating whatever you want is a freedom many runners enjoy, but if you want to fine-tune your body into a PR-producing machine, you should follow the guidelines of the SNARP program.

The diet choice of many Olympians and top-rated runners, SNARP (Strategic Nourishment And Replenishment Program), was devised after years of extensive research and trial and error by Jim Johnson of Spokane, Washington.

SNARP is rated best diet regimen by the Society of Noteworthy Urban Running Professionals (SNURP). Since 2007, SNURP has been recommending SNARP for all serious runners.

Jim Johnson. creator of the SNARP diet, at the training table enjoying a post run meal.

Jim Johnson. creator of the SNARP diet, at the training table enjoying a post-run meal.

The SNARP program relies on heavy consumption of carbohydrate-laden fruits, vegetables and legumes, which in the correct combination, provide adequate complete proteins. With only slight alterations, it can be made gluten-free.

Recently a group of dietary specialists started their own nutrition plan for runners called Sensible Nutrition – Outstanding Running Performance (SNORP). By using a similar acronym, they hope to siphon away runners seeking the well-regarded SNARP diet. Don’t be snookered! Even the urban professional running organization SNURP says, “SNARP’s snazzy and snappy creator Jim is far more knowledgeable than the sneaky snobs at SNORP.”

Beware; very odd side effects result from using SNORP. It adversely affects the nasal passages, causing very loud breathing noises. It also causes allergic reactions. I recently spoke to a member of a running club in Denver, Colorado that had adopted SNORP’s diet plan. Here’s what he had to say:

“Everyone’s in a snit. Like a bunch of pigs with a cold, we snort and sneeze from the beginning of our run to the end, and it just won’t stop. People snicker at us. We’re snubbed by other runners. We’re giving up SNORP.”

It’s okay to sneer at SNORP’s program. It’s one big dietary snafu. Instead, catch a snippet of Jim Johnson’s great diet plan at SNARPforamazingrunningsuccess.com. You’ll snuff out mediocrity and get a sniff of being a true champion.

Trail Running Encounter With Hot Babe Leads to Disrobing in Meadow

Last weekend I ran to Riverside State Park. It was the first warm day of spring, and I SONY DSCwanted to run in the woods. As I crossed the swinging bridge over the Spokane River, I had a feeling it was going to be a great day.

While running on the main trail, the sound of chirping birds filled the air. I stopped to listen. They seemed so happy and full of joy. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling and really appreciating the golden moment. The world is beautiful.

I turned onto a side trail that follows the river until coming to a lush and serene section. I stopped, admiring the beauty of the clear, powerful water. Just then, a fish jumped, coming completely out of the water and twisting in mid-air before splashing back in. I was amazed at nature’s spectacular display. I applauded and whistled, giving the fish a perfect score of 10.

I had a feeling something exciting was in store for me before I had to turn back.

I ran up a long, windy path until reaching a ridge top with a fantastic view. Oh, what a special moment. I gave thanks for the beautiful day, the wonder of nature and all of creation. A hawk glided past, at one with the wind. I wiped a tear from my eye. How lucky I was to experience nature on such a glorious and wonderful day.